SCENES FROM THE INDIAN ACADEMICA: VI

Napoleon Goes to Afghanistan

Dr. Dev Prakash Sharma is a picture of erudition. He is really gifted. From schooldays he has been a keen debater with a rare gift of mixing up his arguments with Urdu couplets and coming up with a heady concoction that never misses the judges’ commendations. Today too, he is one of the most powerful management council members of the University and one who can simply demolish the opponent’s citadel with the torrent of arguments that pour out spontaneously from his mouth. He is probably the most knowledgeable as far as the University law is concerned and can quote the section, sub-section etc. of the law that applies to a given point. He is also a public speaker in great demand. Numerous inauguration ceremonies cannot be called complete till he has spoken. He gets admiring glances from one and all – “how do you read so much and keep up to date with all branches of knowledge with the kind of busy schedule that you keep?” is often the gushy question asked by members of the audience. Obviously he loves to hear the question and his standard response is a smile that somehow projects his modesty and humbleness.

This bunch of young lecturers gets a bit suspicious about his knowledge. “The guy simply concocts facts,” says one over a cup of tea.

“I think you are right,” agrees the other. “Last time that I listened to him, he spoke about Napoleon. Now I am a Napoleon buff and do not remember having ever read what he had to say.”

“But that you did not read it does not mean that it is untrue,” disagrees the third. “After all, he is very well read. Everyone says so.”

The first two look at each other. The first one speaks again. “I too have my own things to add. I have heard him speak several times on the topic that interests me. Several times he has had to say things that actually went contrary to whatever I know of the subject. I am more or less sure that he conjures things up. And since no one has ever heard about these and since he keeps saying that this information has come up very recently, everyone gets impressed by his erudition and the desire in him to learn new things inspite of the busy schedule. Also, since the information is recent and since most people are internet illiterates, no one has any way to cross check. I looked up the internet about what he said and found nothing.” The guy got tired after the long tirade and took a quick sip from his now lukewarm tea.

“Even if you are right, which I doubt, it is of no use just making allegations. Who is going to believe you? Least of all I.” says the dissenter.

The two allegers now get their heads together. A plan is invented to nail the truth about Mr. Dev Prakash Sharma. They tell the dissenter about the plan and tell him that it will be implemented the next time the guy speaks.

“But what if he speaks on a subject alien to you,” the dissenter expresses his doubt.

“It does not matter. The plan goes ahead even with that eventuality. And it actually does not matter what he speaks about. Think about it and you will understand.” The allegers are obviously enthusiastic.

“I doubt you will succeed. I think Dr. Sharma is knowledgeable and it is your goose that is going to be cooked. And to think of the deviousness of the plan. Why? There is one person in this University who cares about knowledge and he has to deal with devious people like you. No. Its your plan that is going to come unstuck.”

“Let’s have a bet then. Dr. Sharma’s win is your win. If you win, we give you a treat, if you lose, you give us one,” the allegers are confident.

“That’s unfair,” protests the dissenter. “You two together give a treat if you lose and I give it alone to you two if I lose. No way.”

The deal is struck moments later. If the dissenter wins, he gets treated twice. If the allegers win, they get treated once. The game is on.

Dr. Dev Prakash Sharma arrives to speak as a resource person in an orientation course for young lecturers. He is speaking about Napoleon again. The allegers and the dissenter exchange quick glances; as per the plan, they are sitting far apart from each other in the audience. There is again new information about napoleon that he proffers this one different from his previous lecture. The guy, it seems keeps reading all the time! It also seems that most historians are so worked up about Napoleon that they keep uncovering new information about him at a rate that even Napoleon couldn’t create.

The lecture ends. The allegers move for the kill.

“Sir,” says alleger number one, “In a very recent article that has been published in the Journal of Asiatic Studies, it has been brought to light that Napoleon in fact traveled to Afghanistan to learn the methods of torture from the tribal people there. I wanted to know from you whether you think Napoleon was sadistic.” The alleger sits down.

“Sir, before you answer,” interjects the second alleger from another row across the room, “I just wanted to say that I too have chanced across that recent article, but my colleague here is slightly off the mark. Napoleon traveled to a province that is today at the border of Iran and Afghanistan and not Afghanistan itself. But I do not think that was sadism. It was just good learning about how to make spies speak.” The second alleger sits down.

Mr. Dev Prakash Sharma looks at both the allegers and the audience in general. His face is beaming. He speaks.

“This is lovely,” he gushes. “This is what I have always been talking about and have cherished all my life. Youngsters such as these keeping abreast of the recent most happenings in their fields. These are the kind of people that make a University go ahead.”
He pauses for effect, beams commendatory smiles at both allegers and then starts again, “I too have chanced upon that article and in fact was lucky to read it. It does appear from it that Napoleon did indeed come to Afghanistan and ……………”

In the evening, the dissenter is treating the two allegers and shaking his head in disbelief and the pain of needless lightening of his pocket. The plan was deviously simple. There was no such article and napoleon never went to Afghanistan. It was just a bait to see whether Dr. Sharma swallowed it. He did and proved that most of his “recent informations” were actually the result of his culinary skills.

Deviousness has its fruits of course and the two allegers were enjoying it that evening. And Dr. Sharma should know better because he has been enjoying the academic and intangible fruits of deviousness all along.