SCENES FROM THE INDIAN ACADEMICA: IV

The Super Ph.D.

Politics is the art of the possible. Look what becomes possible then, when the new VC is a purely political appointment. He feels slightly perturbed by the fact that he doesn’t have a Ph.D. His first move comes when a function is organised to felicitate his appointment.
“People say Meghe (his surname) is not a Ph.D.,” he pauses for effect here. Looks around like a lion surveying the jungle. “But Meghe is superPh.D. After all, he has known poverty!” Most teachers clap. For some these are words dripping with wisdom. For some others, it is a matter of etiquette. A leader delivers a punch-line. One has to clap.
The VC is now ensconced in his office. His next move comes quickly. It is in the form of a show-cause notice to all the heads of the departments and it packs more punch.

Are you in a position to certify that every single copy of all the journals that you receive in your department has been read completely by all the teachers and research scholars in the department? If not, show-cause why the subscription to these journals should not be stopped.

Etiquette also demands that every single letter of your leader be treated with respect and replied to even more respectfully, even if it may not deserve it. Most heads replied that it was neither possible nor desirable for every single member to read every single journal completely. They agreed that they were in no position to certify what the VC had demanded to be certified. They did not tell him that people read articles surrounding their interests in the journals and not the whole journals. They did not tell him that he did not know anything about research and as such should not bother others who did. Etiquette. Protocol. Respect for authority. All the virtues. All the virtues that clothe cowardice.
The VC allowed the subscriptions to lapse. The heads got into a huddle. But they had to be careful. There were some among them who were rumoured to be informers. There were no protests. The journals didn’t come. Research in all departments got crippled. And still there was no protest. We are great people. We do not give up our culture so easily. If our culture teaches us respect for authority, that is what the authority will get. It doesn’t matter in the least whether those in authority deserve it or not. Should it?

Cally

Another VC comes. This one is, physically also, very small. One only has to keep a flower vase in front of him to hide him completely from the audience in any function. Problems arise only when he rises to deliver the speech. Right now, he is reading a speech. The function is to mark the opening of a new department of biotechnology.
`The current decade belongs to biotechnology,’ he says reading the speech that, no doubt, has been prepared by someone else, ` and the next century will belong even more to this nascent field. It is my ardent hope that our country becomes biotechnology,’ here he turns the page, fumbles, and then continues, `cally rich.’ He goes on with the next sentence.
`Cally? What is cally?’ asks someone in the audience.
`He means “biotechnologically”. Only “cally” is on another page and the hyphen connecting it to “biotechnology” on the previous page. The idiot cannot connect it.” his friend advises.
That’s right. When there is a disconnect between academics and those governing academics, such pygmies rise and address the audience.